Week 1 Recap: A Nice Chianti

Welcome to the 2014 season, here is the first of a likely small few weekly recaps!

Team of the Week!

punts, clarice

Hannibal Lechlers is your team of the week, with a grand total of 117.5 points, good for 29 points higher than the second-leading team, 2 Girls 1 PUP. Their leading scorers:

Joe Flacco, with 27 incomplete passes, 1 INT, and 3 sacks, good for 36.9 points

Doug Martin, who had a staggering 9 yards on 9 carries, and 7 receiving yard on 2 targets, totaling 20.3 points.

The Atlanta Falcons Defense/Special Teams, who allowed 34 points and 472 yards for 17 points

Player of the Week!

2-time NFL MVP Tom Brady is your Cymbalta: Depression Hurts™ Player of the Week! With 27 incompletions, 2 fumbles lost, 4 sacks, and only 4.4 yards per pass attempt, Brady ends up with a staggering total of 46.1 points. 

He is currently a free agent.

Position leaders:

QB: Tom Brady, free agent

RB: Arian Foster (27 carries at 3.8 yards/carry, 1 fumble, no TDs), 28.1 points, Team Shiner (on the bench!)

WR: Denarius Moore (2 catches on 8 targets for 8 yards), 31 points, Alcoholic Chicken Drink

TE: Rob Gronkowski (4 catches on 11 targets for 40 yards, 1 TD), 25 points, free agent

D/ST: Saints (37 points allowed, 568 yards allowed), 35 points, free agent

K: Kai Forbath (Missed Extra Point! [it was blocked by JJ Watt]), 25 points, free agent

P: Marquette King (9 punts, 1 touchback), 10 points, Alcoholic Chicken Drink

News & Notes!

Team Shiner, who we shamed in our draft recap, made several roster changes. However, his All-Pro bench, including Arian Foster and Aaron Rodgers, put up twice as many points as his starting lineup.

Noted domestic abusing shitstain Ray Rice finally cut by the Ravens and suspended indefinitely by the NFL. Weird considering a notable former Raven can lie to cover up a murder and get a statue.