Week 2 Recap: What Would You Know About Pressure

Well me made it past week 2 in bizarro football. Bizarro football, a magical place where players don't beat women and/or children up, people wear hats on their feet, and hamburgers eat people.

Team of the Week!

Laces out, Dan.

Finkle Is Einhorn is your team of the week, with a grand total of 128 points, good for 17 points higher than the second-leading team, for the second consecutive week, 2 Girls 1 PUP. Their leading scorers:
Chris Johnson, with a massive 21 yards on 12 carries, and 1 catch for 0 yards on 3 targets, for 28.7 points total
Kelvin Benjamin, with 2 catches for 46 yards on 8 targets, for 23 points
Bernard Pierce, who seized the opportunity of his teammate being suspended for beating up his now-wife in a bankrupt casino, carrying the ball 22 times for just 96 yards, and 1 catch on 2 targets for 20.2 points.

Player of the Week!

file photo

Former backup to last week's MVP, Matt Cassel dominated the competition this week, throwing 4 interceptions, 17 incompletions, getting sacked 6 times, and fumbling for good measure, setting the high water mark at a staggering 60.2 points! He stomped the competition en route to winning his first Cymbalta: Depression Hurts™ Player of the Week award of 2014.

He is currently a free agent.

Position leaders:
QB: Matt Cassel, free agent
RB: Matt Forte (12 carries for 21 yards, 5 catches on 8 targets, no TDs), 34.7 points, Team Shiner (on the bench!)
WR: Nate Washington (1 catch on 5 targets for 1 yard), 26 points, 2008 Detroit Lions
TE: Mychal Rivera (4 catches on 11 targets for 40 yards, 1 Fumble lost), 15 points, free agent
D/ST: A tie! Colts (30 points allowed, 458 yards allowed), Team Shiner, and Jaguars (32 points allowed, 449 yards allowed), Avril Lavigne, both with 17 points.
K: Mike Nugent (A missed FG hat trick: 38 yards, 49 yards, and 55 yards), 30 points, Avril Lavigne
P: Bryan Anger (8 punts), 8 puntos, 2008 Detroit Lions

News & Notes!

Team Shiner, who we shamed in our draft recap and again last week, once again had his All-Pro bench, including Matt Forte and Aaron Rodgers, put up twice as many points as his starting lineup. I'm sensing a recurring theme.

More suspensions, as woman-shover and dragger Greg Hardy was a late scratch, and the Minnesota Vikings caved under pressure to do the ethical thing and suspended child scarrer Adrian Peterson indefinitely.

Refreshingly clean-cut alleged cocaine user Johnny Manziel attempted his first pass of his NFL career on Sunday, and predictably, the receiver dropped the pass. Congrats on your first Bizarro League point, and here's hoping for many more in the future.