Week 3 Recap: Whiskey Chick

Week 3, and we're really hitting our stride. It was a good week for blowouts, as the smallest margin of victory was 24 points, with the largest being 105.3(!).

Team of the week!

Yes, this is a real drink.

Alcoholic Chicken Drink is your NFL: Together We Make Football Team of the Week, with a grand total of 129.1 points, which was 23 points higher than the second-leading team, last week's team of the week Hannibal Lechlers, and the highest score of the season. They really made football this week. Their leading scorers:
Donald Brown, who carried the ball 31 times for 62 yards, and missed a pass for good measure, for a huge total of 48.4 points.
Ryan Fitzpatrick, with 14 incompletions, 3 interceptions, 2 sacks and a fumble for 30.8 points.
Denarius Moore, with 3 catches on 7 targets for only 23 yards, for 19 points.

Player of the Week!

file photo

Our first non-free agent non-QB Cymbalta: Depression Hurts™ Player of the Week, Mr. Donald Brown. As described above, Brown carried Alcoholic Chicken Drink to victory with his 48.4 points, a season high for RBs.


Position leaders:
QB: Matt Stafford, (12 incompletions, 2 INTs, 6 carries for 8 yards, 1 fumble lost, 2 sacks), 43.6 points, free agent
RB: Donald Brown, 48.5 points, Alcoholic Chicken Drink
WR: Andre Johnson, (4 catches on 11 targets for 24 yards), 35 points, Devils Backbone (on the bench!)
TE: Brent Celek (0(ZERO!) catches on 4 targets), 20 points, free agent
D/ST: Jaguars (44 points allowed, 529 yards allowed), 25 points, Avril Lavigne
K: Shayne Graham (Missed Extra Point, the highest scoring play in Bizarro Fantasy Football), 25 points, Finkle Is Einhorn
P: Mike Scifres (6 punts, 3 touchbacks), 9 puntos, free agent

Citizen Eco-Drive Unstoppable MVP Watch!

A new segment here at the Bizarro Blog, sponsored by Citizen Eco-Drive. Unstoppable? Eli Manning is. We will recount the current leaders at each position, as well as a top 5 overall scoring leaders.

By position:
QB: Chad Henne, 86.5 points, free agent
RB: LeSean McCoy, 78.5 points, Dickbut Kus
WR: Vincent Jackson, 59 points, Purple People Eaters
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 37 points, free agent
D/ST: Jaguars, 56 points, Avril Lavigne
K: Mike Nugent, Avril Lavigne, Kai Forbath, free agent, and Nate Freese, free agent (in real football as well), a 3-way tie at 40 points
P: Bryan Anger, 22 points, 2008 Detroit Lions

Top 5:
1. Chad Henne, QB, 86.5 points, free agent
2. Ryan Tannehill, QB, 85.6 points, 2008 Detroit Lions
3. Jake Locker, QB, 84.1 points, Alcoholic Chicken Drink
4. LeSean McCoy, RB, 78.5 points, Dickbut Kus
5. Matt Cassel, QB, 76.6 points, free agent

News & Notes!

Team Shiner is making a principled stand to not use any actually good players to game the system, and therefore we will not shame them. They are currently 0-3.

Several rookie QBs made their debuts on Sunday, in Teddy Bridgewater and Blake Bortles. This likely means Chad Henne and Matt Cassel will drop off the MVP watch as early as next week. Could Johnny "Football" Manziel be too far behind?

Week 2 Recap: What Would You Know About Pressure

Well me made it past week 2 in bizarro football. Bizarro football, a magical place where players don't beat women and/or children up, people wear hats on their feet, and hamburgers eat people.

Team of the Week!

Laces out, Dan.

Finkle Is Einhorn is your team of the week, with a grand total of 128 points, good for 17 points higher than the second-leading team, for the second consecutive week, 2 Girls 1 PUP. Their leading scorers:
Chris Johnson, with a massive 21 yards on 12 carries, and 1 catch for 0 yards on 3 targets, for 28.7 points total
Kelvin Benjamin, with 2 catches for 46 yards on 8 targets, for 23 points
Bernard Pierce, who seized the opportunity of his teammate being suspended for beating up his now-wife in a bankrupt casino, carrying the ball 22 times for just 96 yards, and 1 catch on 2 targets for 20.2 points.

Player of the Week!

file photo

Former backup to last week's MVP, Matt Cassel dominated the competition this week, throwing 4 interceptions, 17 incompletions, getting sacked 6 times, and fumbling for good measure, setting the high water mark at a staggering 60.2 points! He stomped the competition en route to winning his first Cymbalta: Depression Hurts™ Player of the Week award of 2014.

He is currently a free agent.

Position leaders:
QB: Matt Cassel, free agent
RB: Matt Forte (12 carries for 21 yards, 5 catches on 8 targets, no TDs), 34.7 points, Team Shiner (on the bench!)
WR: Nate Washington (1 catch on 5 targets for 1 yard), 26 points, 2008 Detroit Lions
TE: Mychal Rivera (4 catches on 11 targets for 40 yards, 1 Fumble lost), 15 points, free agent
D/ST: A tie! Colts (30 points allowed, 458 yards allowed), Team Shiner, and Jaguars (32 points allowed, 449 yards allowed), Avril Lavigne, both with 17 points.
K: Mike Nugent (A missed FG hat trick: 38 yards, 49 yards, and 55 yards), 30 points, Avril Lavigne
P: Bryan Anger (8 punts), 8 puntos, 2008 Detroit Lions

News & Notes!

Team Shiner, who we shamed in our draft recap and again last week, once again had his All-Pro bench, including Matt Forte and Aaron Rodgers, put up twice as many points as his starting lineup. I'm sensing a recurring theme.

More suspensions, as woman-shover and dragger Greg Hardy was a late scratch, and the Minnesota Vikings caved under pressure to do the ethical thing and suspended child scarrer Adrian Peterson indefinitely.

Refreshingly clean-cut alleged cocaine user Johnny Manziel attempted his first pass of his NFL career on Sunday, and predictably, the receiver dropped the pass. Congrats on your first Bizarro League point, and here's hoping for many more in the future.

Week 1 Recap: A Nice Chianti

Welcome to the 2014 season, here is the first of a likely small few weekly recaps!

Team of the Week!

punts, clarice

Hannibal Lechlers is your team of the week, with a grand total of 117.5 points, good for 29 points higher than the second-leading team, 2 Girls 1 PUP. Their leading scorers:

Joe Flacco, with 27 incomplete passes, 1 INT, and 3 sacks, good for 36.9 points

Doug Martin, who had a staggering 9 yards on 9 carries, and 7 receiving yard on 2 targets, totaling 20.3 points.

The Atlanta Falcons Defense/Special Teams, who allowed 34 points and 472 yards for 17 points

Player of the Week!

2-time NFL MVP Tom Brady is your Cymbalta: Depression Hurts™ Player of the Week! With 27 incompletions, 2 fumbles lost, 4 sacks, and only 4.4 yards per pass attempt, Brady ends up with a staggering total of 46.1 points. 

He is currently a free agent.

Position leaders:

QB: Tom Brady, free agent

RB: Arian Foster (27 carries at 3.8 yards/carry, 1 fumble, no TDs), 28.1 points, Team Shiner (on the bench!)

WR: Denarius Moore (2 catches on 8 targets for 8 yards), 31 points, Alcoholic Chicken Drink

TE: Rob Gronkowski (4 catches on 11 targets for 40 yards, 1 TD), 25 points, free agent

D/ST: Saints (37 points allowed, 568 yards allowed), 35 points, free agent

K: Kai Forbath (Missed Extra Point! [it was blocked by JJ Watt]), 25 points, free agent

P: Marquette King (9 punts, 1 touchback), 10 points, Alcoholic Chicken Drink

News & Notes!

Team Shiner, who we shamed in our draft recap, made several roster changes. However, his All-Pro bench, including Arian Foster and Aaron Rodgers, put up twice as many points as his starting lineup.

Noted domestic abusing shitstain Ray Rice finally cut by the Ravens and suspended indefinitely by the NFL. Weird considering a notable former Raven can lie to cover up a murder and get a statue. 

We're baaaaack - Draft Recap

For a limited time, this blog will be active again. Last year we promised that we would forget to update the blog after Week 2, and we made it one extra week before giving up. This year will likely be no different.

Draft Recap

Our draft was last night, and we had some very interesting developments.

- First off, we must shame Team KFed Shiner, for they did not update their pre-draft rankings, and autodrafted the greatest team in fantasy football history:

QB	Peyton Manning, Den QB
RB	Adrian Peterson, Min RB
RB	LeSean McCoy, Phi RB
WR	Calvin Johnson, Det WR
WR	Demaryius Thomas, Den WR
TE	Jimmy Graham, NO TE
FLEX	Jamaal Charles, KC RB
D/ST	Seahawks D/ST D/ST
K	Stephen Gostkowski, NE K
P	Donnie Jones, Phi P
BENCH
Bench	Matt Forte, Chi RB
Bench	Eddie Lacy, GB RB
Bench	Arian Foster, Hou RB
Bench	Aaron Rodgers, GB QB
Bench	DeMarco Murray, Dal RB
Bench	Drew Brees, NO QB
Bench	Dez Bryant, Dal WR

- Like last year, mediocre Quarterbacks were a hot commodity, and featured prominently in the first round, as all teams besides Team Shiner drafted a QB in the first round. Geno Smith had the honor of being the #1 overall pick to famed Canadian pop star Avril Lavigne, with last year's Bizarro MVP Joe Flacco going 3rd overall.

- The second round saw some shakeups, as expected 1st round pick Trent Richardson went with the first pick of the second round to purposely offensive team name Decker Like Rice. This selection was followed by the first real shock selection of the draft, with the Raiders Defense / Special Teams unit going with the 12th overall pick to defending champions 2 Girls 1 PUP. The remainder of the second round saw a mix of mediocre RBs and WRs, notably prominent white running back Toby Gerhart at #15 to Finkle Is Einhorn. 

- Third round featured 2 of the top players at their positions coming off the board, with Sammy Watkins going to Hannibal Lechlers and the Vikings D/ST going to Decker Like Rice. It also featured our first kicker, Sebastian "Sure I can make a 75 yard field goal" Janikowski going to newcomers Alcoholic Chicken Drink. 

Other notables:

Jared Cook, first TE off the board in round 4 to Alcoholic Chicken Drink

Bryan Anger, first punter off the board in round 5 to Decker Like Rice

Mark Sanchez, 2012 Hypothetical Bizarro League MVP, final round to Hannibal Lechlers

Noted Racist Riley Cooper, 2013's #141 Ranked WR, final round to defending champions 2 Girls 1 PUP

Draft Grades!

Hannibal Lechlers - B

Good blend of solid veterans in Joe Flacco, Shane Lechler, and Torrey Smith, along with promising rookies Sammy Watkins, Mike Evans, "Cairo Santos", and Johnny Manziel. Also picked up 2 top-10 defenses in the Eagles and Falcons. 

2 Girls, 1 PUP - B-

Took a gamble reaching for the Raiders Defense, which is bold considering they play Jacksonville and the Chiefs a combined 4 times. Solid combination of WRs, with the local duo Rueben Randle and Eric Decker leading the way, along with actually good player Kendall Wright, noted dropper of passes Aaron Dobson, and drunken racist Riley Cooper.

Devils Backbone - B-

Strong at RB with Stephen Jackson, Bishop Sankey, Knowshon Moreno, and sleeper Khiry Robinson. Really good late pickup in Shaun Hill at QB. Picked up practice squad WR Stephen Hill for some reason.

Avril Lavigne - B+

Solid team all-around. Compliments first overall pick Geno Smith with a massive RB corps of Ryan Mathews, Zac Stacy, Maurice Jones-Drew, Pierre Thomas, LeGarrette Blount, and Montee Ball. Downside: Scooped up Jacksonville's possibly improving defense. No backup for Geno Smith if he goes down or is somehow good.

Team Shiner - A+ F

I mean, this team is stacked. Manning AND Brees? Peterson AND McCoy? Running away with this league.  

Don't autodraft, kids.

Purple People Eaters - B-

Impressive complement of WRs and TE, with 2013 #2 WR Vincent Jackson and #2 TE Antonio Gates. Risky at QB with 2 possibly good QBs in Robert Griffin III and Jay Cutler.

Finkle is Einhorn - B+

The best RB set in the league, with last year's #1 RB Ray Rice backing up white running back Toby Gerhart and noted washed up RB Chris Johnson. Questionable talent at WR, as backing up promising starters Kelvin Benjamin and Hakeem Nicks they have actually good WRs in AJ Green, Brandon Marshall, and Jordy Nelson.

Decker Like Rice - B+

Solid overall team. Features 5 players who were top 5 at their positions in 2013, most of any team. Includes top RB Trent Richardson and top Punter Bryan Anger. Possible weakness would be fragility, as team features many oft-injured players. 

Dickbut Kus- B

Grabbed 2014 MVP Favorite EJ Manuel with the 2nd overall pick. Picked up 2 top 10 D/STs in the Cowboys (#1 in 2013) and Packers (#6 in 2013). Solid WRs led by 2013 #3 WR Mike Wallace and noted washed up asshole Steve Smith. Questionable at RB, with something called Lorenzo Taliaferro penciled in at RB2 after solid RB1 Shonn Greene. 

Alcoholic Chicken Drink - C

Risky team, with a lot of 2nd string players or players in a timeshare. Good pickups at QB with Locker and Fitzpatrick, and good WRs led by 2013 #5 WR Cecil Shorts and Denarius Moore.

Week 3 Recap: PopoZão

The commissioner was on vacation last weekend, so here is the Week 3 recap!

Team of the Week!

Team KFed Shiner is our Team of the Week, with 142.2 points, the highest total of the week by 25 points. Their leading scorers: 

EJ Manuel, with 23 incompletions and a whopping 8 sacks, good for 44 points;

Mike Nugent, with a missed 50+ FG, and the highest scoring play in Bizarro Football, the Missed Extra Point, worth 25 of his 30 points for the week. 

Trent Richardson, with 13 carries at 2.7 yards/carry, and 3 dropped passes, for a healthy 24.5 points, despite scoring a touchdown.

Player of the Week!

Chad Henne may have put up the most points this week, but Mike Nugent missed an extra point, so I'm naming him your Cymbalta: Depression Hurts™ Player of the Week!

Your other leading scorers:

QB: Chad Henne, 46.5 points (20 incompletions, 2 INTs, 1 fumble, 3 sacks), 2 Girls 1 PUP

RB: Maurice Jones-Drew, 33.1 points (19 carries at 2.3 yards/carry, 3 drops), Team McNasty (on the bench!)

WR: Kenny Britt, 25 points (ZERO catches on 5 targets), Purple People Eaters (on the bench!)

TE:  Kyle Rudolph, 15 points (5 catches on 8 targets), Hannibal Lechlers (on the bench!)

D/ST: Raiders, 25 points (37 points allowed, 536 yards allowed), Purple People Eaters

K: Mike Nugent, 30 points, Team KFed Shiner

P: Dave Zastudil, 9 points (8 punts, 1 blocked punt), Team KFed Shiner

News and Notes!

Josh Freeman out, Mike Glennon in! Greg Schiano probably angry!

Trent Richardson traded to the Colts! I think that means I'm the Browns' 1st string running back. 

Week 2 Recap: That's Ms. Bizarro, if you're McNasty

Going up late, because I'm lazy! Woo!

Team of the Week!

Team McNasty is our Team of the Week, with 141.7 points, the highest total of the week by 17 points. Their leading scorers: 

Ryan Tannehill, with 5 sacks, 3 fumbles, 11 incomplete passes, and also ran the ball 4 times for barely a yard, for a total of 40.7 points

Montee Ball, who managed to pick up a whopping 14 yards on 12 carries, and threw in a fumble for good measure, good for 22.8 points

Chris Johnson, who ran the ball 25 times, picking up 96 yards, scored 22.2 points, which is what happens when you run the ball a lot and fail to average 4 yards a carry. 

Player of the Week!

Geno Smith is your Cymbalta: Depression Hurts™ Player of the Week! Geno Smith threw 20 incompletions, 3 interceptions, and took 4 sacks, for a week-high total of 50.9 points. He is now the 2nd-leading scorer this season, trailing only Week 1's player of the week Brandon Weeden. 

Your other leading scorers:

QB: Geno Smith, 50.9 points, Team Williams

RB: Adrian Peterson, 33 points (26 carries, 1 fumble lost, 1 dropped pass), Purple People Eaters (on the bench!)

WR: Greg Little, 38 points (4 catches on 12 targets), Golden Showers

TE:  Jared Cook, 19 points (1 catch on 5 targets), 2 Girls 1 PUP (on the bench!)

D/ST: Redskins, 35 points (38 points allowed, 580 yards allowed), Hannibal Lechlers (on the bench!)

K: David Akers, 20 points (2 missed 40-49 FG), Team McNasty

P: Robert Malone, 9 points (9 punts), Golden Showers

News and Notes!

None, because this is posted way too late. 

The big Bizarro news of this past week would have been that Brandon Weeden is hurt, and Brian Hoyer, not Jason Campbell, is set to start. 

Week 1 Recap: Purple People Ate

Welp, I forgot to do the season preview stuff. Oh well. Here is your Week 1 Bizarro League Recap!

Team of the Week!

Credit: http://sklavenbrause.deviantart.com

Congratulations to the Purple People Eaters, who scored an outstanding 158.5 points, 30 points higher than the next highest team. Their leading scorers: 

Kenbrell Thompkins, who led all WR with 46 points (more on him in a bit); 

Christian Ponder, with 40.4 points, thanks to 10 incomplete passes, 3 INTs, 3 Sacks and a lost fumble; and 

Marshawn Lynch, who managed just 43 yards on 17 carries, and dropped a pass for good measure, for a total of 27.1 points. 

The Purple People Eaters also managed only one negative score this week, with the Oakland Raiders Defense somehow only allowing 21 points and less than 300 yards of offense for a total of -3 points. 

Players of the Week!

The best performance this week came from Brandon Weeden, who put up an astounding 6 sacks, 3 interceptions, a fumble, and 27 incomplete passes, for a week-high total of 62 points!

Here are your highest scorers from each position (not on the wire):

QB: Brandon Weeden, 62 points, Hannibal Lechlers

RB: Doug Martin, 54 points (4 dropped passes, 2 fumbles, 24 rushes for 65 yards), Team Williams (not in starting lineup)

WR: Kenbrell Thompkins, 46 points (10 dropped passes on 14 targets, only 42 yards), Purple People Eaters

TE: Ed Dickson, 19 points (4 drops on 5 targets), 2 Girls 1 PUP

K: Randy Bullock, 5 points (1 missed 50+ FG), Dwarf's Penny

P: Bryan Anger, 12 points (11 punts, 1 touchback), Hannibal Lechlers

D/ST: Chargers, 14 points (28 points allowed, 400-449 yards allowed), Golden Showers (not in starting lineup)

The worst performance from an active player was Reggie Wayne, started by yours truly, who had zero dropped passes, 8 catches, 96 yards, and a TD, netting him -17 points. 

News and Notes

Blaine Gabbert, the #2 QB last week, will be out this week, so Chad Henne will get the opportunity to make the Oakland Defense look good. 

Danny Amendola is out, which means Tom Brady will probably throw Kenbrell Thompkins more than he did last week, which hopefully will mean more dropped passes. 

Brandon Jacobs is back in a Giants uniform, which will probably cut into David Wilson's fumble opportunities. If Wilson does lose his job, Jacobs is a great candidate to run into the line 20 times a game.